Are you in love with your friend?

idealizing her

Are you harboring a secret crush? How do you choose between friendship and the chance for a new relationship?


You’ve been friends for a long time, and suddenly you’re starting to find her attractive. When you’re together, you fantasize about what it would be like to be with her, almost to the point of distraction. You aren’t sure if she feels the same way, but you really want to find out. The problem? You don’t want to ruin the friendship. What do you do?

Unfortunately, love isn’t always simple. Complicated situations like this one can make you feel frustrated and confused. But if you continue to keep your feelings bottled up, you’re not doing anybody any favors, and likely your friend will eventually figure out your true feelings anyway. When you’re in love or infatuated, it’s hard to hide it.

Instead of pretending that you don’t have feelings, now is the time for courageous action. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. The first step is assessing the situation and having a real grasp on the present relationship between the two of you.

Some questions to consider first:

  • Is she a good friend, or more of a casual friend?
  • Does she seem flirtatious with you?
  • Has she dropped hints about finding you attractive?
  • Does she discuss her boyfriends with you, or do you stay far away from the topic?

Maybe she’s dropped some hints along the way that she’d like to be more than friends with you. If she hasn’t, or you can’t read her, then assess your friendship. Is taking the chance for romance more important than keeping her as a friend? If you kept your mouth shut, would you be fine if she started dating someone new and confided in you about her relationship?

There are no guarantees in this situation, but my feeling is, it’s good to put yourself out there if you really want a shot at a relationship with your friend. You don’t want to live with regrets. The key is letting her know how you feel in a way that doesn’t feel threatening to her.

For example, if you declare your undying love to her and she doesn’t feel the same, give her space. Don’t demand that the friendship go back to its normal state, because it could make both of you feel awkward and guilty. Be willing to let the friendship go, if only temporarily. It’s also best to let her know upfront that you value the friendship and you respect her feelings, and you won’t put any pressure on her.

If she’s told you that she’s not interested in you, take her word for it. Don’t try to persuade her or list all of your stellar qualities, even if you do it in a charming way. She will retreat if she feels like she isn’t being heard or her feelings respected.

And if you sleep with her to try and persuade her, it’s only going to confuse you and make the situation more complicated. She’s able to walk away with no hurt feelings while you’ll be even more attached. So don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll change her mind eventually. Let her go. The positive outcome is that you’ll have closure and then you can move on to someone else.

And if she’s secretly been harboring a crush on you? Then congratulations, you took the bold step of bringing the two of you together. Enjoy your new relationship!


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