It has happened to all of us at one time or another. We’re lying there with our partner in a state of post-coital bliss, snuggling and feeling as if though all is right with the world. And then out of nowhere – the bomb is dropped. In a loving, delicate voice, your partner says “So, how many people have you slept with?”

Suddenly all of the air is sucked out of the room. Your dreamy, half lidded gaze is replaced by a deer in the headlights stare, and the soft pitter pat of your heart has now become a booming bass drum. WHY????? This never leads to anything good! Answering the question will most likely result in a fight. NOT answering the question will definitely result in a fight. What to do?

Regardless of whether you are male or female, the question is loaded. Do you answer at all? Do you lie? Do you tell the truth because “honesty is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship”? Why is he/she asking in the first place? Is it because they want to divulge their own number or because they want to judge you based solely upon yours? Assuming that you both have produced a clean bill of health, will knowing their “number” have a significantly positive effect on your relationship? If not, I say DON’T ASK. I personally cannot come up with one reason that having this knowledge would positively enhance the relationship. I think it’s more of a ‘morbid curiosity’ situation, and unfortunately in a lot of relationships, the number answered is equal to the ammo used in the next fight. Each partner is a bullet in the verbal gun.

Then there’s the old expectation that men should have a large number in order to appear ‘manly’ and women should have “you” as their only answer, lest they be made out to be a whore. (Who the men are sleeping with remains a mystery). Have we really evolved so little in our social expectations of each other? We point and judge in red faced rage at those cultures who make their women wear burqas, we encourage our own women to dress as if they are about to “go on stage” and lap dances are half price – then we have the nerve to judge women and call them ‘whores’ if they have had more than 3 sexual partners by the time they are 40. Lets make up our minds, America. Are we a sexually mature and progressive country or are we still in a double-standard, dark ages mentality? Regardless of where we are in our mentality, it’s still a dangerous question.

I recently took a poll on my facebook fan page, asking this question and once again was a bit surprised by the results. 57% of the men answered “No” they would not divulge their number, compared to a whopping 87% of women! I think women are acutely aware of the repercussions in divulging such info. After blurting out their number men may get the cold shoulder for a day, whereas women get labeled for life.

“The past is the past. As long as the number stays the same during the relationship, that’s all that should matter to either partner.” Says one male voter. I think he has a healthy view of topic. If we all shared that point of view, there might be a lot less nights on the couch.

KK